pics and then some...

fall in creve coeur.

willy...RIP. I loved that dog.

me and Geary in our uniforms...

my sister patti's grandbabies. jaden and his twin sisters, Katelyn and Kassidy.

So, I'm back on my diet. I chose an anti-inflammatory diet. So far, so good. of course it's only been two days. i haven't pms-ed yet...lol! wish me the best, anyway. i'm so tired of being so unhealthy!

it's been a while since i've done this, so it's time...

i love you...i always will. you are so very special to me. i'm sorry you are so miserable. i wish i could help. but this is the road you have chosen...all i can do is be there for you.

i love you too. but you are too self-centered. i wish you well in all you do, but i also pray that somehow you come out of your inner shell.

it was so good to hear from you the other day. it's been way too long. i'm sorry you are going through what you are going through. i hope things even out soon and she's not so miserable.

you two were such good friends...now i can't stand being near you. i only hope that after this is all over, we are able to be civil with each other...

you seriously need to grow up. you need to get off of your ass and get a job and quit feeling sorry for yourself. i try hard to pray for you, but you make me so angry!! let go of your pity party and live your own life.

you will die soon. i am trying hard to make my last memories of you good ones. i have come to grips with the fact that you are probably the most selfish person i have ever known.

i adore you and i wish you only the best...you know that. find one thing that makes you happy and go for that. become a vet asst. or volunteer at a shelter. i think working with animals is more your style.

you two make such a cute couple. yes, he drives me batty sometimes...but he adores you and i hope he always will.

*hugs*

and so it begins...

today in devotions, the topic was the fruit of the Spirit. If the Spirit lives in you, if you do not shut out the Spirit but live like a Spirit-filled person should, then the fruit shows itself.

self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit. i have no self-control. very little, anyway. that makes me a bit sad. ok...it makes me alot sad. i can't tell you how many times my lack of self-control has gotten me into trouble. way too many times.

so this week will be a study and prayer of self-control.

pray for me...ok? *hugs*

small miracles...

two things happened today that made my heart explode with happiness...

one: my mother liked my fall photos so much, she sent me a link to a photo contest and told me i need to enter it. that means more to me than i am able to express. after being so critical of me for most of my life, it's exciting to me that she thinks enough of my photos that she thinks i should enter a contest!

two: we got word today at work that the first hop is complete. after trying for 20 years, our little AM station is finally going FM!!! our translator is on its way!!!

and i just got great news that little derek is doing better. he's a little one who had the flu and was not doing well. but he is on the upswing now.

wow...thank you, God. i needed this...

ok...i've thrown my fit...

time to get practical...

how...what will it take to make where i'm staying feel more like home? geary is bringing home a stove that i can use in the basement so when mary informs us she has a client coming and we have to either leave or stay in the basement, i can at least work on supper. a stove will help. then i don't have to fight over the kitchen after work. if i get two tubs, i can do dishes downstairs too.

we know the college brat will be leaving in about 4 weeks. so that will free up the bathroom issues and help with the laundry issues. my sister told me to get a pizza oven so i don't need to use her oven for frozen pizzas.

think i will unpack a few more boxes and see what else can be done.

as far as work goes, there's not alot i can do about janet. i will have to pray for strength and wisdom in talking to bob about it all.

and my health...well, that's something i need to make a game plan for too. will talk with geary and see what idea we can come up with.

thank you...*hugs*

intervention...

how many have to get in your face and tell you to snap out of this depression before i start to listen? apparently alot...

i've had two interventions so far from people who can't watch me continue to self destruct.

tears just flow and i can't stop them when i get confronted. i'm so angry and no place to put that anger. i'm so hurt and no one to blame. God keeps letting me know in small ways that He has a plan for my life, but i'm too hurt to care. i know there are people out there facing the same thing that i have. i know there are people in worse shape than me. how is that supposed to make me feel better? yes, i still have my daughters. thank God, i still have my daughters. and i have Geary and Cody. so why can i not be happy and content with the fact that i still have my girls and geary and cody and my jeep and a roof over my head...tough as living there is right now...???

why can't i be like the apostles who sat in jail and said that they had learned to be content in bad times as well as good, with little as well as plenty, in sickness and in health? why do i insist on kicking my feet and screaming at the world how angry i am? why can i not feel joy anymore? will i ever? i do not feel loved...i feel taken advantage of.

at this thanksgiving time, program after program reminds us of what we have to be thankful for. program after program reminds us of how God feels when His children do not appreciate the gifts He has given to them. i don't want to be ungrateful...i don't want to be unappreciative...i don't want my family and coworkers watch as i take my anger out on myself. even as i sit here typing this, tears run down my face and i don't know what to do with them so i wipe them away.

dear God, i need a break!! I need one of these situations taken care of! Please!!!???

updates...

It is official. my bankruptcy has been filed in court.

my friend, Kris, got a job. i'm very happy for her!

it is also official...i hate where i live and am counting down the days until i can move out.

it looks like i'm going south for thanksgiving. i can't wait. i really am very excited!

every now and then someone will tell me that i'm just like my mother and i will get upset. it happened again just recently and i got to thinking...what is it exactly that makes me like my mother? this is what i've come up with so far...:

i would rather be miserable physically and die a slow, painful death than to change the way i eat.


that's a pretty sober insight...the more i think about it, the more it gives me the strength to change...but i'm not strong enough yet.

i'm so cranky today!

i haven't been sleeping well between my coughing and the pain that is my shoulder and knee. it's been a gorgeous day, but i've been inside all day. i've had all i can take from my landlords and am looking for a new place to live. i'm really fed up with the drama queen that is janet. and i'm lonely. i'm lonely and bored. the courts are dragging their feet on my bankruptcy. it makes me nervous.

i'm hurting. physically and emotionally.

i told my youngest sister today about my depression. how it skews my outlook on life. how i've been stuck in this dark pit for so long now, i'm actually considering electroshock therapy. i've been fighting to stay above water for so long, i'm wore out. i need to call a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

so i'm cranky today. i want to cook on the grill tonight. i hope i can get supper done before the landlady gets home. *ugh*

sorry...i'll go. no need to keep dumping here. i just need to go to bed early tonight, i think...